


i'm being strangled by a bundle of lukewarm air

by annakyun



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Relationship(s), Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2018-11-02 21:43:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10953297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annakyun/pseuds/annakyun
Summary: changkyun is good at running away from his past, but kihyun is faster at catching up///His voice cut off when a shadow fell over the mint green table. Changkyun’s eyes zeroed in on a pair of black jeans, moving up to a worn leather jacket, a sharp jawline, and finally a face. His heart felt like it would explode from his chest with how fast it was beating.‘Lim Changkyun,’ Kihyun said, voice deeper than he remembered it being, ‘It’s been a while.’





	1. i

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from hatsune miku's 'leave it to yotsuya-san'

Changkyun’s vision was unfocused when he lifted his head, so he blinked a few times until he could picture his living room clearly. He was currently slouched against the front of the couch, sitting on the floor in front of it rather than on the actual furniture. The material was scratchy against the back of his neck, one of his hands reaching to itch away the uncomfortable feeling.

The first thing Changkyun realised was that his television was still on. He wasn’t sure which channel was being displayed. The sound was muted so Changkyun couldn’t hear what the people were saying, but it looked to be some shitty reality show about a group of girls with perfectly straight teeth and hair. Why Changkyun had been watching the show, he couldn’t recall. Perhaps it had just been background noise, a source of comfort in the stillness of his apartment.

Even though it felt like he had just woken from a nap, Changkyun knew he hadn’t slept. It had been two, maybe three days since he last did, and he remembered it because he had woken up in sheets damp with sweat and tears gluing his eyelashes together. No, he hadn’t been sleeping, he had most likely just blanked out for a few hours. It happened a lot. Hoseok had once let himself into Changkyun’s apartment a few months ago and found his friend in this state, panicking because he had thought Changkyun was having a silent seizure. Luckily, Changkyun had stopped his friend calling emergency services just in time, but Hoseok had begun dropping in more since that had happened. Or he used too, anyway.

Maybe Hoseok had found a new friend to hang out with, one that didn’t act like a fucking zombie all the time, because he hadn’t stopped by Changkyun’s for almost a week. And Changkyun didn’t blame him at all, he wouldn’t want to hang out with himself either. He wouldn’t be surprised if Hoseok had simply grown tired of piecing Changkyun back together time after time again since no one else did. Sometimes it was nice to have company, though. Sure, they texted daily but Changkyun’s replies were usually one worded. It was too hard for him to converse through words. He was better at showing feelings through physical actions. There were days Changkyun desperately needed to get out of his head, days when he didn’t feel like an empty shell. Those were the days when the flimsy wall holding his emotions crumbled, and he needed someone else to help him build it back up again. Hoseok had been that person for the past few years, and the thought of his friend leaving him upset him greatly.

Because that’s what everyone did, wasn’t it? Everyone left him.

His legs had fallen asleep after sitting in one spot on the floor for so long, causing him to almost crash into the coffee table when he stood up. He muttered a few curse words at his stupid legs and his voice cracked from misuse. He wasn’t sure when the last time he had spoken was. Maybe hours, maybe days, he couldn’t be sure. The days just all seemed to blend together in one huge glob lately.

Changkyun wondered over the small kitchenette nestled in the corner of his apartment. Since his apartment was so small the kitchenette was compact, but he didn’t mind it too much. Changkyun only ate when he was hungry and his diet consisted of ramen, or if he was feeling fancy, ready-made freezer meals. Sometimes he ate a piece of fruit, but he wasn’t a very huge fan of sugar in general, whether it be artificial or natural. Back when he had been a teenager, sweets took up eighty percent of what he had eaten. Maybe he had grown sick of the flavour, or maybe sugar reminded him too much of those shitty years. Not that he was fairing much better as an adult, but he’ll take what he can get.

After a quick search in the cabinets Changkyun found that he didn’t have any clean cups. The sink was overflowing with dirty plates and cutlery and cups, a result of not doing any cleaning for a week. Changkyun wasn’t the one who kept his apartment tidy, though, it was Hoseok. The lack of his friend was not only affecting his mental state, but also the cleanliness of his home.

He didn’t have much energy, but his throat felt like sandpaper, so he picked a glass from the top of the pile to clean. He wouldn’t do all the dishes yet, instead washing the one cup so that he could have a glass of water. Drinking out of the tap didn’t seem very appealing to him no matter how lazy he was feeling.

Changkyun found an almost empty bottle of detergent under the sink, just enough left in the bottle for one or two loads of dishes. He squirted a small drop into the glass, a few bubbles escaping from the squeezy bottle. Once he had given the glass a good scrub, he rinsed it off and dried it with a tea towel that had been slung over the oven handle. The cleanliness of the tea towel had been questionable, but it smelt alright, so Changkyun used it anyway.

He let out a little sigh of relief when he finally gulped down the water, feeling instantly better when the liquid hit the back of his throat. He drank four glasses before feeling full enough to stop, and left the cup upturned on the drying rack for when he wanted to use it next.

Now that he had moved himself from his spot on the floor in front of the television, Changkyun found himself not wanting to go back and sit down again. He felt like doing something with himself instead of blanking out for a few hours and pretending to watch television again. The problem was he didn’t have many sources of entertainment in his apartment apart from television and his phone, but if he set sight on another screen again so soon he might just implode.

Changkyun’s eyes skimmed over said television and his sight fell on a keyboard tucked away in the opposite corner of his kitchenette. Without thinking about it, he walked over to the instrument, feet stopping behind the black stool positioned in front of the keyboard. He remembered how it used to be the perfect height for him a year ago, but he had grown since then. If he decided to sit down to play he would probably be hunched over the keys.

He ran a finger over the control panel, grazing the edge of the sound effect buttons. When he lifted his hand the dust clung to his index finger. He wiped it off on his sweater, nose crinkling at how dirty the keyboard was. It was his excuse for not playing anymore; the dust that had accumulated on the instrument. No matter how many times Hoseok had offered to clean it off Changkyun had declined, because he needed a reason to keep his fingers off the keys. There were too many bad memories attached to his old hobby. Maybe he should sell it off instead of ignoring it every time he was in the proximity of it, but that would require interacting with strangers and Changkyun couldn’t do it. Maybe he could smash it up instead, throw the fucking television at it so that he was rid of both items.

The sound of a key being inserted into Changkyun’s front door had him turning around in surprise. One of his hands was resting on the keyboard again, even more dust sticking to his sweaty palm, but he didn’t bother moving it. He had already known who it would be, but still found his brow furrowing in confusion when Hoseok stepped into his apartment.

The first thing Changkyun noticed was that Hoseok looked different. Hoseok seemed happier than he generally did, and he was usually upbeat. His appearance was different too. Normally his blonde hair was swept across his forehead, fluffy and untamed, but today it was slicked back so that his eyebrows were on display. There was makeup on his face too, bb cream and eyeliner making his friend look flawless. Hoseok’s muscles were clearly visible in the tightfitting t-shirt and jeans he was wearing. A jean jacket was slung over his shoulder so Changkyun assumed that it was too hot outside to wear it. He thought it might be around lunchtime, but couldn’t be sure because all his blinds were drawn. The only reason Changkyun could see Hoseok was because of the golden light spilling through his doorway from the hall.

‘Changkyun?’ Hoseok called out in the silent apartment. That was when Changkyun realised Hoseok likely couldn’t see him standing over in the dark corner. Before he could make a sound, Hoseok’s hand was fumbling over the wall next to the door, presumably looking for a light switch. He found it, flipping the plastic switch, and the apartment was suddenly bathed in harsh white lighting.

‘Argh!’ Changkyun whined, covering his eyes with his sweater paws. It was really fucking bright on his eyes after he had adjusted to the darkness.

‘Are you okay, Changkyunnie?’ Hoseok asked, sounding concerned. He heard his friend walking over to him, timberlands thudding over the hardwood flooring. Changkyun mumbled something in reply, not entirely sure what he said but Hoseok still made a noise of understanding.

Changkyun froze when he felt the muscly arms engulfing him in a hug. He could smell cologne, and Hoseok never wore cologne, but he couldn’t find himself to worry about it because Hoseok was _here_. He hadn’t left him. Slowly, he wrapped his arms around Hoseok’s waist and sank into his friend’s comfort.

‘I’m sorry I haven’t been over in a while,’ Hoseok mumbled, ‘I feel so fucking bad. And – this is not me trying to excuse my behaviour at all, but something amazing happened to me.’

‘Hmm?’

Hoseok drew backwards from the embrace, and Changkyun struggled to keep the pout off his face. Taking in a deep breath, Hoseok answered him.

‘I’m dating now!’

So that would explain why he was all dressed up now. Changkyun couldn’t believe he hadn’t put two and two together, but he was so out of tune with his own feelings that it was hard to notice somebody else’s.

‘Oh,’ He replied intelligentially. He was about to ask who this mysterious person was, because he did have _some_ social skills, but Hoseok was already prattling on.

‘Yeah, I met him at Starbucks – I know, not the most romantic place – but he’s so fucking gorgeous. Like, he has these amazing lips that look so kissable and make him look like he’s pouting all the time and these eyes that just _scream_ sex, you know? And oh, my god, do not get me started on those legs. They go on for days, I swear.’ Hoseok rambled, taking a quick pause for a breath, ‘So the first thing I asked him was if he was a model and I was so embarrassed. You know how I have no filter at all. But he just laughed and said no, but he was very flattered, and then we just clicked? I’m taking you to meet him!’

Changkyun had begun to space out, mentally building an image of this boy who had stolen his best friends heart, but the picture was shattered at that last part. ‘What?’

‘Yeah, we’re leaving like now. Put some pants on!’

Hoseok was leaving no room for argument. He hadn’t even realised that he had no pants on, and flushed when he looked down at his bare thighs.

‘But, why?’

‘This isn’t our first date so it won’t be awkward,’ Hoseok reassured, ‘But he wants to meet you. So, get dressed.’

The fact that Hoseok had been talking to his new boyfriend about him wasn’t surprising. He wasn’t sure _what_ he could have possibly said, because Changkyun was not exciting in the least, but Hoseok could take for ages about anything. It was impressive. He was glad for it, because Hoseok filled the gaps of silences that he always left.

‘I’m not sure if I even have any nice pants to wear.’ Changkyun mumbled. His face flushed again when Hoseok scolded him for not doing any laundry, and said he would come around tomorrow to help clean up.

‘Just any pants will be fine, it’s not your date. He won’t mind.’

A pair of baggy sweatpants was all he could find and they brushed the floor with each step he took, but Hoseok just shot him a thumbs up and cooed about him looking like a baby in his giant clothes. Changkyun rolled his eyes, exasperated, but he truly was glad Hoseok was letting him tag along even if he was going to meet a new person. He needed this.

His assumption about the time of day had been correct after all; it was nearing one in the afternoon when they left his apartment. Hoseok had chosen to drive instead of walking today, not wanting to sweat through his nice outfit. It had been a while since Changkyun had been in a car because he didn’t go anywhere outside of walking distance. The aircon on his face was a nice sensation since the weather outside was so hot and he was wearing long clothes. An unfamiliar song was playing on the radio, some boring manufactured pop song about love. Changkyun wondered how much longer the topic of love could be exhausted by the idol industry, how many ways of describing it could be written. He concluded that it would be a while longer yet. The song was grating on his nerves so he flicked through the stations until he found a suitable one with western rock playing.

‘Hey, I was listening to that!’ Hoseok whined, side eyeing him from the driver’s seat.

‘Hyung, you have horrible taste in music.’

Hoseok stuck out his tongue at him but didn’t change the station. Changkyun didn’t comment on Hoseok’s fingers tapping to the beat on the steering wheel.

They drove in silence for a while, Hoseok concentrating on navigating through the busy part of the city. It was lunch hour so there was a lot of traffic. Once they were out of the thick of it, Hoseok opened his mouth to speak.

‘So, what have you been doing this week Changkyunnie? I know you must have missed me terribly.’

Changkyun scoffed quietly, pretending to be indifferent towards his friend. He would never speak out loud about how much he had missed his overbearing hyung.

‘Nothing really. I watched some TV.’

Hoseok frowned at his answer. ‘Have you really done nothing else?’

 ‘No, your stupidity seems to be my only source of entertainment.’ Changkyun replied, shrugging half-heartedly. He giggled softly at the offended noise Hoseok made, swatting Changkyun lightly on the arm.

‘You’re lucky I love you or I would have kicked you out of this car right now into moving traffic.’

Changkyun decided not to reply that he really wouldn’t mind it.

The car pulled up in front of a cute looking café. The exterior was pink with a white trim, the windows had blue and white striped awnings hanging over them. There was a collection of tiny potted plants running along the brick wall, cacti and carnations and hydrangeas making up only a small amount of the plants. There were some hanging pots hung in between each window, overflowing with bacopa.

He turned to look at Hoseok with a questioning look on his face.

‘Yeah, this is where we’re having our date. So, what?’ Hoseok said, trying to defend himself. Changkyun couldn’t believe his manly friend was having a date here, of all places.

‘Stop judging me,’ He whined, ‘I know that look. And I don’t like that look. Stop it.’

Hoseok popped the car door open and got out of the vehicle before Changkyun could reply. He did the same, shuffling around the back of the car where Hoseok was waiting for him.

‘Besides, you’ll fit right in here since you’re so damn cute!’

Changkyun grumbled and punched Hoseok’s arm hard this time, though it probably hurt himself more than his friend. Hoseok was literally pure muscle.

‘Aish, stop being so violent! Let’s go inside.’

The interior of the café was just as, if not even cuter than the outside. The tables and chairs were all different pastel colours ranging from greens to yellows to purples. There were even more plants inside, placed in vases, littering the tables and floor. On the walls were paintings of fruits and fluffy animals. The lights were white, just like the ones in Changkyun’s apartment, but they were much softer than his. Even the employees were wearing little pink aprons and cat ears.

‘I can feel you judging me right now,’ Hoseok said without even having to turn around. He was right, of course. This mysterious guy had to be a literal marshmallow to choose to have a date somewhere like this.

‘Just take me to the table, hyung,’ Changkyun said with a giggle and poked his friends back.

Hoseok weaved his way throughout the tables which were all placed close to one another. Changkyun fisted the back of Hoseok’s t-shirt, as if he was worried about losing him in such a small building. He realised too late that the action was not helping him convince Hoseok that he wasn’t cute.

The table that Hyungwon was sitting at had been more towards the back, placed next to a window so that the sunlight bathed him in a warm glow. And, yeah, Hoseok hadn’t been wrong to assume that he looked like a model. His description had been on point, but today the boy was wearing a flower crown. A fucking flower crown. Changkyun couldn’t decide whether he wanted to laugh or cry.

They both sat on the other side of the table, Hoseok sitting in front of his boyfriend. The two of them exchanged soft smiles.

‘Hyungwon, this is Changkyun,’ Hoseok said, politely greeting them, ‘Changkyun, this is Hyungwon.’

Hyungwon extended an arm across the table, gesturing for a handshake. When Changkyun took his hand in his own, he marvelled at how big and soft it was.

‘Hello,’ Hyungwon greeted him, ‘It’s nice to finally meet you. Hoseok speaks a lot about you.’

Changkyun naturally went red, replying with a quiet ‘hello’.

‘Ah, he is just as adorable as you said.’

His face burnt even more.

Even though he knew he wasn’t supposed to feel like a third wheel, he did, not wanting to intrude too much on their conversation. It was nice enough to just watch the two of them interact; Hoseok behaved so softly around Hyungwon, it was a new experience for Changkyun.

Perhaps Hyungwon had had the same thoughts as Changkyun when he checked his watch and let out a sigh.

‘I actually invited my friend along so that Changkyun wouldn’t feel too lonely,’ Hyungwon explained when Hoseok gave him a concerned look, ‘But I’m not sure if he’ll show up.’

Changkyun had known Hyungwon for barely five minutes yet he was already growing comfortable around the other boy. He was so thoughtful and sweet, it was no wonder Hoseok was smitten for him.

‘What does he look like?’ Hoseok asked, peering over Hyungwon’s shoulder.

‘Ahhh,’ Hyungwon paused, searching for the right words to say, ‘Average height? Light brown hair, kind of looks like a walking cloud of anger – but he’s really sweet I swear.’

He turned around to look over his own shoulder when Hoseok didn’t reply, and let out a small noise of happiness. ‘There he is! He did show up, after all.’

Changkyun couldn’t see because there were a few patrons in the way, but he noticed Hoseok’s eyes narrowing.

‘Hyung?’ He whispered, poking Hoseok’s shoulder, ‘What’s- ‘

His voice cut off when a shadow fell over the mint green table. Changkyun’s eyes zeroed in on a pair of black jeans, moving up to a worn leather jacket, a sharp jawline, and finally a face. His heart felt like it would explode from his chest with how fast it was beating.

‘Lim Changkyun,’ Kihyun said, voice deeper than he remembered it being, ‘It’s been a while.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- hey hi sorry if this is a mess it's like 12am lol and i don't have a beta reader sooooooo
> 
> \- this is like gonna be kinda inner monologue heavy???? idk if it bores you then you might not like this fic because changkyun thinks a lot, poor bby
> 
> \- also i haven't done much detailed planning so idk when the next chap will be up but it should be sometime this week!! hopefully!!!
> 
> kudos and comments about your thoughts are greatly appreciated c: xx
> 
> you can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/anakyun)


	2. ii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY THIS IS SO SHORT AND A MESS I AM ALSO A MESS PLS FORGIVE THAT IT TOOK ME TWO WEEKS TO GET AROUND TO WRITING THIS SHITTY CHAPTER ASHFHEOWIHG

‘Changkyun?’

He rose his head from where it had been nestled in his arms, humming to show that he was listening.

Across from the table sat Kihyun, a fond look on his face as he studied the younger boy. Textbooks and notebooks were scattered across the wooden surface. When he looked down at his notes he saw sketches of his friend rather than notes for class. He closed the book in a hurry, face flushed.

Kihyun had his head perched on one of his hands, idling twirling a pencil with the other. His gaze was focused on the book that Changkyun had just closed and Changkyun’s cheeks flamed up even more.

They had met there after school, planning to study together in the library but Changkyun had been unfocused all day. He wasn’t sure if it was just the lack of sleep or the nerves of being around Kihyun lately, but he had continually found his attention slipping from the boring chunk of text in his history textbook to his friend’s face. It was endearing to see how annoyed Kihyun grew when he answered a question wrong, backtracking through his notes to find the correct solution. He had this habit of biting his lips when he concentrated hard on something which made them red and plump from the pressure of his teeth. Now, Kihyun was just staring at him with that weird look on his face.

‘Did you want something?’ He asked when Kihyun didn’t reply. He watched his friend stretching his arms above his head and making a noise of satisfaction when his bones cracked. The movement was catlike and caused his shirt to ride up, showing a sliver of skin. Changkyun moved his eyes away before he was caught staring somewhere he shouldn’t be.

‘Not really,’ Kihyun replied when he had settled back into his seat, ‘I just wanted to see your face. Give my eyes a refresher from studying.’

Changkyun’s hands flew up to cover his face.

‘Why?’ He mumbled.

Kihyun made a noise of annoyance and reached across the table to move Changkyun’s hands.

‘Don’t do that,’ He said in a stern voice, ‘You’re gorgeous.’

‘I – I have scars though. And I hate my nose- ‘

His voice was cut off when Kihyun cupped his face with warm hands.

‘You’re the most perfect human being I have ever seen,’ Kihyun said. His thumb was tracing tiny circles into Changkyun’s skin, ‘I don’t care about your scars. I just care about you.’

Changkyun’s skin was on fire from where Kihyun was touching him. He wanted to stay in this moment forever. Just the two of them. His heart hurt from the thought of Kihyun touching someone else like this; holding someone who wasn’t Changkyun.

‘Kihyun?’ Changkyun whispered.

‘Yeah?’

‘Don’t ever… don’t leave me, ‘kay?’ He said, not meeting Kihyun’s eyes.

Kihyun sighed, sounding frustrated.

‘Changkyunnie,’ He admonished, ‘I would never do that. Not in a hundred years, or a million years.’

 

//

 

‘Changkyun?’

It was not the sweet lilt of Kihyun’s voice that snapped him out of his stupor, but instead a concerned looking Hyungwon. He was leant on his elbows, thick eyebrows furrowed as he stared at Changkyun. Clearing his throat, Changkyun closed his mouth from where it had fallen open without him knowing.

‘Yeah, I uh – I just- ‘

Hyungwon reached across the metal tabletop, the movement strikingly similar to how Kihyun had all those years ago. He settled his hands on top of Changkyun’s and he noted how big they were in comparison to his own.

‘Do you need some water?’ Hyungwon asked. He was so unnecessarily nice, and it hurt Changkyun’s heart because he wasn’t sure if they would ever see each other again after today. Changkyun planned on not leaving his apartment again for the rest of his life.

He hadn’t forgotten about Kihyun who was still hovering next to the table, watching everything in silence. He didn’t dare look up to make eye contact, but he could feel the older man’s eyes burning into his head.  It felt like Kihyun could see right through him; read every thought he was thinking.

Changkyun needed to leave.

‘No thank you,’ He said, pretending that his voice wasn’t trembling, ‘I gotta go. Do – do something.’

His chair scraped across the wooden floor loudly as he stood suddenly, the movement yanking his hands out from underneath Hyungwon’s. He pretended not to hear Hoseok calling his name, instead running through the café and almost bumping into a waitress. It suddenly felt twenty degrees hotter and his long clothes felt like a sauna.

When he burst out of the building onto the sidewalk the frigid air was a relief to his flushed skin. He crouched down on the concrete and put his head in his hands, trying to get his breath back.

Less than a minute had passed before the door to the café was tinkling, and a hand was placed on his shoulder.

‘Hoseok,’ Changkyun began without turning around, ‘I know it’s been a few months since I last left the apartment – but this was not what I needed.’

‘A few months is quite some time.’

Changkyun’s eyes widened when he realised that it was not Hoseok who was behind him. He stumbled forward, shaking the hand from his shoulder. Kihyun chuckled at his clumsiness as Changkyun righted himself.

And there he was again. Standing there in all his bad boy glory, hair swept up lazily from his forehead. Changkyun felt so fucking small standing in front of him, and it wasn’t his height. He knew how much of a mess he looked; hair greasy, sweater stained, dark eye bags standing out on his pale face. There were a million questions running through his head. Why was Kihyun here? How did he know Hyungwon? Had Hyungwon told him that Changkyun would be at the café, or had he had no idea? And why was he looking at Changkyun with that fucking soft look in his eyes?

Changkyun wanted to voice all his questions, but he didn’t think he could. Not now, anyway. He needed time to process all of this, to think things through properly before making any rash decisions.

‘Why haven’t you been leaving your apartment, Changkyunnie?’ Kihyun asked. The nickname rolled off his tongue so much differently than when Hoseok said it.

‘Don’t – don’t say that to me,’ Changkyun whispered. He wasn’t sure if Kihyun could even hear him because of how quiet his voice was.

The other boy tucked his thumbs in the belt loops of his jeans, looking the picture of nonchalance. Changkyun envied him, wished that he could be so collected instead of feeling like a fucking blubbering mess.

‘Why not?’ He replied, cocking his head to his side. The movement made him look like a puppy that was whining for a treat. But Kihyun would not get his treat if Changkyun had any say in it.

‘You know why,’ Changkyun said, fisting his hands in the hem of his sweater. He didn’t like confrontation, never had, and the whole situation was making him extremely nervous. ‘I don’t want to do this right now.’

Kihyun hummed, face staying blank as Changkyun began to back away.

‘You can’t run away from me forever, Changkyun,’ Kihyun called after him.

And, yeah, maybe Changkyun couldn’t, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whew, i'm so sorry about how bad this is. especially because of how i left the last chapter off. i just--
> 
> i had to fly to another state to go to a bts concert, and then i came back and i've been sick for over a fucking week kms
> 
> then i had a bunch of schoolwork to worry about
> 
> and also my job
> 
> and then i was sad for a lil bit
> 
> and then i had my birthday (it was pretty shit tb h lol)
> 
> buT YEAH once again i am sorry lol
> 
> you can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/anakyun)


	3. iii

When Changkyun woke up the next morning with an arm slung across his waist he wasn’t surprised. He had a terrible habit of never locking his front door, one that Hoseok constantly scolded him for, which was how the older boy had ended up spooning Changkyun in his bed.

The clock on his bedside table told Changkyun that it was close to five in the morning. He groaned, dropping his head back onto the pillow. He had likely gotten around six hours of sleep, and even though that was a huge accomplishment, he felt even worse than he had being sleep deprived. Crying yourself to sleep was never a pleasant thing, especially the morning after when you woke up with a headache and crusty eyes.

Changkyun wanted to believe the previous day had just been a terrible dream that his brain had concocted, but he knew that wasn’t the case. It was real, it had happened, and now he had to deal with the repercussions. Precisely, the boy snuggling up to his back.

He had never told Hoseok directly about Kihyun. Changkyun was a naturally secretive person, and even though Hoseok may be his best friend, there were things you just didn’t tell anyone. Kihyun was one of those things.

But after the events of yesterday, he knew he had a lot of explaining to do. A lot of explaining that he didn’t think he could bring himself to do.

Changkyun rolled out from under Hoseok’s arm and stood up from the bed, stretching his back. He padded over to the kitchenette, flicking on the kettle and fumbled around in the cupboards for a mug. He didn’t bother to be quiet as he worked because Hoseok only seemed to wake up when his body deemed it necessary to. He could get out of bed in a few minutes or a few hours, it wasn’t easy to predict.

Whilst the kettle was boiling he dry swallowed two codeine tablets. After fetching a tea bag from the pantry, he poured the hot water into the cup and leaned against the small kitchen island as he waited for the tea to brew.

Changkyun had to admit that he was still in shock after what had happened. He couldn’t believe how unlucky he was; that his best friends new boyfriend was friends with – well, with Kihyun. There was that saying about how the world was a small place, but, he had never thought it meant this goddamn small.

He dragged his hands down his face and groaned. Honestly, he didn’t think he could tell Hoseok anything just yet. After everything that had happened over the past few years, Changkyun just wanted to curl up in his bed and die a little bit. Maybe a lot.

His tea was going cold so he finished making it and took a sip. It tasted like shit. Changkyun concluded that he was terrible at making tea.

‘’Kyunnie?’

Hoseok’s head popped out from where he had nestled under the blankets. ‘What time is it?’

Changkyun glanced over at the bedside clock. ‘Ten past five.’

‘Ugh,’ Hoseok groaned, digging the heels of his palms into his eyes in an effort to wake up. ‘Why are you up so damn early.’

He shrugged half-heartedly, taking another sip of his tea.

Hoseok eventually decided to roll off the bed and join Changkyun in the kitchen. He only had one sock on so Changkyun assumed the other one was now lost forever in his bed.

‘I’d offer to make you some tea, but I’m not very good at it.’

‘That’s okay,’ Hoseok replied, not bothering to cover his mouth as he yawned widely, ‘I drink coffee, not tea.’

He watched his friend rummage around in his kitchen until he had a steaming cup of black coffee in front of him. Changkyun wrinkled his nose at Hoseok’s gross taste in drink. How he could drink that bitter substance was a mystery to him. Changkyun had to load his tea up with sugar before it tasted somewhat decent to consume.

‘So,’ Hoseok started, ‘You look. Well. Better than yesterday.’

Changkyun shrugged again. ‘I had some time to mull things over. I just overreacted, is all.’

‘It didn’t look like an overreaction to me, ‘Kyunnie. You looked like you were gonna have a panic attack or something.’

It made sense why Hoseok would think that. Honestly, Changkyun himself thought he was going to have a panic attack at that time.

‘Well, it was just an overreaction, okay?’ He mumbled, ‘End of discussion.’

‘No, Changkyun,’ Hoseok’s voice was stern and it startled him. He had never been spoken to by his friend like that. Hoseok seemed to notice his skittishness and morphed his tone into a calmer one. ‘It’s just – you really scared me, you know. Just running out like that. Can you blame me for wanting an explanation?’

Changkyun’s voice was barely over a whisper when he replied.

‘What do you expect me to explain?’

‘Who is Kihyun to you?’

He had been expecting that question. But he hadn’t prepared an answer, opening and closing his mouth a few times. ‘I – he’s – Kihyun isn’t anyone.’

‘Changkyun, please don’t lie to me,’ Hoseok pleaded, ‘I’m only trying to help.’

Changkyun placed his cup down on the counter because his hands were trembling too badly. He closed his eyes, and let out a breath.

 

_‘Changkyunnie, who am I to you?’_

_Kihyun traced invisible patterns onto Changkyun’s palm whilst he waited for a reply. The younger boy noted with delight that Kihyun’s hands were smaller than his. He threaded their fingers together, and they fitted perfectly, like the final pieces of a puzzle._

_‘I don’t know just yet,’ He replied, ‘But I’d like to find out.’_

_They fell back onto the bed, giggling softly into the night._

 

‘I’m not lying,’ He said, opening his eyes, ‘Kihyun is nothing to me. He never has been, and never will be.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back after ages whooooops. this chapter is pretty boring haha, but it's winter break now so hopefully! i have more time! to write!!
> 
> you can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/anakyun)


	4. iv

Changkyun’s plans on locking himself in his apartment with a pantry full of tinned food and ramen was soon foiled not even a week later.

‘You need to start integrating yourself back into society,’ Hoseok had said, not unkindly. He was dragging a sleepy Changkyun behind him, dressed in a wrinkled button down and slacks. To Changkyun’s horror, Hoseok had tried wrestling a tie onto him, but there was no way he was going out in public dressed like some seedy businessman. Just the thought of it sent a shudder through his body.

They were taking the subway because Hoseok’s car was in service. It was a somewhat surreal experience for Changkyun to be surrounded by so many people in such a tight space again. And terrifying. Probably more terrifying than surreal. 

‘Hyung, I’m going to die,’ Changkyun whispered, ‘You are leading me to my death.’

Hoseok gave him a stern look.

‘No, I’m not, you just need to get out of your shell. What better way to do it than to push you right into the fray?’

Changkyun could think of a million better ways to be doing this. Like, not doing this at  _ all _ . But he understood the point his friend was trying to make, so he kept his head down and did his best not to focus on the strangers surrounding him. His hand was sweaty and clammy but if Hoseok was grossed out by it at all he didn’t say anything.

The train ride wasn’t too long, only around twenty minutes, but it was still a relief to Changkyun when they finally reached their station. They departed the train and were immediately swept into a crowd of people. Changkyun was paranoid of losing Hoseok in the fray, so he wrapped his arms around Hoseok’s bicep.

‘We don’t have too far to walk,’ Hoseok reassured Changkyun, giving him a fond look at how the younger boy had attached himself to his arm.

They weaved their way through the crowd, exiting the busy station onto a much quieter street. Looking around, Changkyun didn’t see any houses but rather a street full of assorted shops. He assumed they were somewhere near to the city, but closer to the suburbs because of how quieter it seemed to be.

Hoseok hadn’t told him much about what they were doing today. He had burst into Changkyun's apartment a few hours ago with the biggest grin stretched across his face, shouting  _ ‘You have an appointment at eleven! Dress in something nice and let’s go!’ _ What said appointment was, Changkyun wasn’t sure of, but he was curious as to why he had been dragged out of his apartment wearing half of a suit.

Taking Changkyun’s hand in his own again, Hoseok crossed the street after looking both ways. There was a zebra crossing not too far down from them but Hoseok ignored it since there were no cars driving down the road. They successfully reached the other side and Hoseok tried to pull Changkyun along with him but stopped when he realised the younger boy had stopped moving.

‘What’s wrong?’ He asked. Changkyun said nothing, instead eyeing the store in front of them with distaste. When Hoseok turned to follow Changkyun’s gaze he put two and two together and scrambled to say something.

‘It’s not what you think, ‘Kyunnie! We’re just here to meet one of my other friends,’ He said hastily, stumbling over his words a he tried to reassure his timid friend. ‘I promise you it won’t be like last time. Because it’s my friend we’re meeting. Not Kihyun.’

‘When did I ever mention Kihyun,’ Changkyun muttered. It was obvious to the both of them that that was what he was worried about, no matter how much he tried to play it off.

They both entered the café. This time though, the café had a much more sophisticated feel to it. There was also a lot less people inside which somewhat relieved Changkyun. The interior was black and white, the only splash of colour the red mugs nestled in the hands of the patrons. Tiny potted plants in white ceramic sat on square shelves along with various vinyls of 90’s bands. The lighting was dim and the atmosphere was calm. It was a place Changkyun felt he could relax in.

‘This way,’ Hoseok whispered, as if to not disturb the quiet chattering of the few customers in the café. They slipped behind the counter and Hoseok nodded at the barista before turning the handle of the Staff Only door. He waved Changkyun through and closed the door behind them.

‘Why are we here?’ Changkyun asked, even more confused now that they seemed to be at Hoseok’s final destination. Last time he checked, Hoseok didn't work here.

‘I suppose I should probably tell you now,’ Hoseok replied. ‘You’re here for a job interview!’

Changkyun blanched, staring at Hoseok in disbelief. There was no way that Hoseok had thought Changkyun would be able to get a job, much less keep it. He had never been employed before, and didn’t have any qualifications to his name. Apart from his lack of experience in being a social creature, there was also the fact that he got terrible anxiety just going to the grocery store. The thought of being around so many people, and being responsible for handling their orders sent his mind into panic mode.

‘Hey, ‘Kyunnie, it’s okay,’ Hoseok said to him, pulling him in for a hug.

‘I don’t think I can do this.’ Changkyun’s hands were shaking so he fisted them into Hoseok’s shirt.

‘You can,’ Hoseok reassured him, voice soothing as he stroked Changkyun’s hair, ‘This will help you, trust me. There is no way I would ever put you in a situation that would be damaging to you in any way.’

Changkyun couldn’t help but scoff at that, because he had a sneaking suspicion that his episode with Kihyun a few days ago was the reason he was here. He felt Hoseok tense up for a second, before pulling away completely.

‘I swear that was an accident!’

He cracked a smile at how flustered Hoseok was. ‘I know, hyung. I’m just teasing.’

Hoseok let out an over dramatic sigh of relief, swiping the back of his hand across his brow for added effect. The action drew a little giggle out of Changkyun.

‘Are you feeling any better?’

‘I am,’ Changkyun replied honestly, ‘Thank you.’

‘Alright, good. Hyunwoo should be with us soon.’

They sat down on one of the squishy couches in the staff room while they waited. Changkyun picked at a loose thread on his shirt sleeve. 

Even though he truly was feeling much calmer now, he still was nervous about meeting this Hyunwoo guy. Hoseok had said that he and Hyunwoo were friends, but Changkyun wasn’t sure how close they were. He didn't want to mess anything up and potentially stain Hoseok’s image. What if he said something stupid? What if he accidentally offended Hyunwoo somehow? There were so many negative outcomes to this situation that it was hard to think positively.

A loud commotion outside of the room startled Changkyun out of his reverie. The sound of the door opening pulled his attention away from his lap to stare at the man coming through the doorway. 

Changkyun’s first impression of Hyunwoo was that he was  _ big.  _ Not as in he was overweight, but he was tall and muscly and his face was currently pulled into one of distaste. Changkyun was immediately intimidated.

Hyunwoo closed the door, letting out a heavy sigh.

‘Sorry that I’m late,’ Hyunwoo said. He spoke quietly which betrayed his intimidating demeanour. The sofa shifted as Hoseok stood to greet his friend, and Changkyun followed, hiding behind Hoseok’s frame.

‘Is everything alright?’ Hoseok asked as he pulled Hyunwoo in for a hug. ‘I heard some banging outside.’

‘It was nothing serious. Hyunbin just broke the coffee machine, again. Might I add it was the third time he has broken it this week.’

Hoseok chuckled. ‘I’m sure Changkyun will be much less clumsy.’

At the mention of Changkyun’s name, Hyunwoo made a noise of interest.

‘Ah, yes. My newest employee.’

‘Newest?’ Changkyun repeated, ‘You haven’t even interviewed me.’

Hyunwoo shrugged. His shirt seemed to stretch even more when he moved in shoulders, and Changkyun worried for the material. He wondered if Hyunwoo puffed out his chest enough, the buttons would pop off.

‘You’re pretty much hired already,’ Hyunwoo replied, chuckling at Changkyun’s dumbfounded expression.’I’ve heard so many good things about you from Hoseok. I just wanted to meet you today.'

Changkyun let out a dumbfounded  _ ‘oh’ _ . He couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing. Why would Hyunwoo want Changkyun to work for him? Could he not see that Changkyun was an awkward, nervous wreck?

As if Hyunwoo sensed Changkyun’s hesitation, he hastily backtracked.

‘That is, if you want the job of course. I don’t want to pressure you into anything. Hoseok and I just think that this would be a good experience for you, that’s all.’

They stand there in silence. Changkyun could feel Hyunwoo staring at him, but his eyes were narrowed at Hoseok. How much had Hoseok told Hyunwoo? Maybe the older man knew how pathetic Changkyun was and only wanted to hire him because he felt bad.

Or, Changkyun was just overreacting like he seemed to do a lot lately. He let out a sigh, stuffing his hands in his trouser pockets. This could be a good distraction for him.

‘When do I start?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kyunnie gets a job!!!
> 
> i have a [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/annakyun) now so feel free to ask me question or yell at me
> 
> you can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/anakyun)
> 
> comments and kudos are much appreciated!!! (and motivate me lots <3)


	5. v

The next morning Changkyun dressed to fit the uniform code Hyunwoo had requested: a short sleeved white button down and black skinny jeans. He wasn’t entirely sure his jeans were suitable for work, but they were the only black pants that he could find in his closet. He knocked back two Xanax tablets with a cup of black coffee to calm his nerves and then promptly gagged. How anyone could drink coffee without any sugar or milk was a mystery to Changkyun, but he gulped the rest of the drink down anyway. He needed the caffeine to get him through the day and taking it black was the best option.

He had to take the train by himself this morning and he kept glancing at the directions on his phone, constantly paranoid of missing his stop. Thankfully he didn’t and departed the train quickly when it was his turn to get off. There weren’t as many people milling around as there was yesterday, so Changkyun could easily exit the station. He decided to walk the extra distance to the crossing, not feeling as daring as Hoseok did.

The café was almost empty when Changkyun walked in, which seemed odd to him because he had always thought that cafés were busy all the time. Changkyun was glad for it though, because it was his first shift and he didn’t want to hold up any customers with his clumsiness.

Hyunwoo wasn’t behind the counter, but the boy from yesterday was. He noticed Changkyun standing there and immediately smiled, cheeks squishing up as he did.

‘Ah, you must be Changkyun!’ He exclaimed. Changkyun noticed that he had a deep voice, and spoke slowly. ‘Hyunwoo told me that we were having a newbie today.’

‘Yeah, that’s me.’ Changkyun mumbled, scratching the back of his head awkwardly. They both stared at each other for a few seconds before he spoke up again.

‘I should probably introduce myself. I’m Kwon Hyunbin, and I work here most weekdays. You’ll most likely be stuck with me for the duration of your training.’

Changkyun bowed quickly, mumbling his name in reply even though Hyunbin already knew it.

‘Hyunwoo won’t be for a while yet, but he did tell me to explain the basics to you,’ Hyunbin said. ‘Everything but the coffee machine of course because I always break it.’

Hyunbin beckoned him behind the counter and started to show Changkyun around the space. He showed him how to put an order in on the till, to put the notes in the correct way, and how to put the sweet treats from the cabinets into paper bags for customers. There were a few customers in between the training, so Hyunbin had Changkyun watch him serve before trying himself. Changkyun was feeling very nervous, but his first customer was a lovely old lady who was patient with him and said some encouraging words to Changkyun before leaving.

It was almost an hour into Changkyun’s shift before Hyunwoo showed up, looking flustered and slightly out of breath. Hyunbin smirked at his boss’s dishevelled appearance and Hyunwoo glared at him with all the anger of a big teddy bear. Not understanding what was happening, Changkyun just awkwardly stood next to the coke fridge.

‘How’s the mornin’ been, boss?’ Hyunbin asked with a cheeky grin on his face. He dodged the straw Hyunwoo threw at him.

‘Not another word,’ Hyunwoo growled, angrily brandishing another straw at Hyunbin. He finally took notice of Changkyun and flashed a warm smile at him.

‘Hey, Changkyun. Sorry I’m late, how’s the first day going?’

‘Uh…’ Changkyun trailed off. He hadn’t felt too anxious so far. Whether it was the tablets, Hyunbin’s easy going nature, or a mix of the two, it had been a pretty good morning so far. ‘It’s been great. I like it a lot.’

‘That’s good! I suppose now that I’m here I’ll teach you how to use the coffee machine, hmm?’

Hyunbin cleared his throat. ‘I’ll take that as my cue to leave. I’ll be out back if you need anything,’ He says, pointing to the kitchen. Just as he turns to leave, a wicked grin appears on his face.

‘By the way Hyunwoo, tell Minhyuk I said hi.’

Hyunbin cackles wildly as he attempts to dodge the pile of straws Hyunwoo furiously throws at him, saluting the two of them as he runs into the kitchen.

‘That kid drives me crazy, I swear,’ Hyunwoo mutters as he fiddles with the coffee machine. Changkyun is completely lost.

‘Who is Minhyuk?’

It’s an honest and innocent question, but a bright blush spreads over Hyunwoo’s cheeks. Changkyun is intrigued.

‘Uh –‘ He stutters, ‘No one. Doesn’t matter. Nope.’

‘If you say so, boss,’ Changkyun playfully replies. Hyunwoo looks up at him suddenly from where he was flicking a few levers on the coffee machine with a surprised look on his face. Changkyun doesn’t blame him, he’s shocked that he would make such a comment after only meeting the man once.

‘I’m sorry, that was rude of me-‘

‘No, no!’ Hyunwoo interrupts Changkyun’s stuttered apology. ‘It’s okay! You can say that stuff to me, I like having a casual relationship with my employees. It’s okay to be comfortable around me.’

Changkyun still feels horrified with himself but it seems like Hyunwoo really doesn’t mind. He watches as Hyunwoo taps a few more buttons on the coffee machine before standing up straight again.

‘I’m gonna go over how to use this thing now,’ Hyunwoo says.

Truthfully, Changkyun was terrified to even touch the coffee machine. It looked extremely complicated and he was sure that he would break something. His wariness must have shown on his face, because Hyunwoo was quick to reassure Changkyun that he would be fine.

‘There’s no need to worry. You’re nowhere near as clumsy and stupid as Hyunbin is-‘

‘Hey!’ Came a shout from the kitchen, ‘I heard that!’

‘-so I’m sure you’ll be just fine.’

Changkyun nods meekly and gives all his attention to Hyunwoo as he begins to explain how to use the coffee machine. It’s just as complicated as he had assumed it was, but like anything else in the café, repetition was key. Ten minutes later he had an almost perfect steaming cappuccino to his name. Changkyun couldn’t stop the smile appearing on his face, because it was the first proper cup of coffee he had made that wasn’t from a sachet. He was sent on his break after that, and collapsed on the couch in the staff room with a relieved sigh.

After a few minutes Changkyun could feel himself dozing off, already feeling drained from only a few hours of work. There was a vibration from his jean pocket and Changkyun pulled out his phone to see a message from Hoseok.

**Hyungie:  
** r u on ur break yet????

**Changkyun:  
** Yeah

**Hyungie:  
** omg!!! hows ur shift been?????

 

Changkyun thought that Hoseok was being far too excited over his job but still smiled at his friend’s enthusiasm.

 

**Changkyun:  
** Yeah it’s been good. Hyunbin is funny and Hyunwoo is really nice.

**Hyungie:  
** thats good!!!!!!! were there any mean customers i need to fight??

**Changkyun:  
** No, hyung, everyone has been really pleasant

**Hyungie:**  
phewwwww  
oh btw  
wonnie n i are taking u out for dinner tonight

**Changkyun:  
** Oh I really don’t think that’s necessary

**Hyungie:**  
well it is  
6pm  
wear something nice

 

Changkyun sighs exasperatedly. He didn’t know where he would be without Hoseok. Looking at the time on his phone, he saw that his twenty minutes were up so he stood from the couch and headed back into the café, ready to finish his shift.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow it's been ages!!! i'm so sorry for how late this chapter was but real life had me exhausted mentally and physically - i was swamped in school and work and also went to like three concerts (mx and exo are so good live btw omgggg)
> 
> hopefully now i'll be able to write more since school is finishing up!!
> 
> feel free to ask/tell/rant to me on my [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/annakyun)
> 
> also i'm trying to use [twitter](https://twitter.com/anakyun) more often, i mainly scream about hyunbin and bambam and write weird tweets at 4 in the morning. come dm me!!! i'd love to talk to you!!!


End file.
